*Trigger Warning*
This piece contains hints of depressive undertones.
IMPOSTER
Lost. The one word that would encapsulate this new year so far. The further I sink into it, the deeper the hole gets, and a part of me wonders if I’ll be able to crawl out of it.
The worst part is that I know exactly what I need to do. I have the tools and strategies to extricate myself from this funk. I just can’t get myself to implement them consistently.
Don’t get me wrong. I do have my moments where I’m actively trying to exit this funk. And they’re not the minority.
I’m working on kicking my self-destructive coping habits. I’m not all the way there, but half the time I win those battles. I manage to meditate and work out. I talk myself into interacting with others and remain present when all I want is to be a recluse. I know what my issues are, what my default is, and I actively do the opposite of my destructive instincts. Half the time.
The other half of the time, I just can’t be bothered to try. Not that I don’t care, but because the will to do better is just fucking exhausting. I do autopilot well. I shower, get dressed, go to work, I am a functional human being. By the end of the day, I have no energy for anything or anyone else. All I want is to crawl into bed, alone, and bum. All I have the strength for at that point is a quick hello and then I need everyone to leave me the fuck alone.
It doesn’t help that this shit makes no sense to my loved ones. I can’t blame them for not understanding though. They get the autopilot version of me. Once upon a time, I convinced myself I could not act to save my life, but that must be another lie I’ve been telling myself because no one sees through the mask.
I know what you’re probably thinking. Communicate. Let them in. I would. If I thought, it would help. I don’t need anyone trying to cheer me up. To try and get me out of my funk. To remind me to remain positive and look for the silver lining. The only thing that would serve is add pressure to the mountain already suffocating me. And yes, I have already tried it. That’s how I know. Yes, I have already communicated my needs clearly. However, even the people that love you the most can have a limited capacity to understand, let alone give you what you need.
I want to feel and be better. I will get there eventually. What I need right now is to feel shitty without the pressure to get better, do better, be better. I am blessed, my life is fantastic. Even I can see that. But there is a difference between the inherent knowledge of something and the feelings that correspond to that knowledge.
I don’t feel great right now. And true or not, I feel like I’m failing at every single fucking thing I do or try. I don’t feel successful, I don’t feel brave, I don’t feel confident or competent. I feel like an imposter in my own life. Unqualified. Like a fraud clinging on to the ‘fake it till you make it’ trope.
I want to be where I am without being made to feel crazy or ungrateful for it. I don’t want to look for a fucking silver lining. It’s too much work at this moment to think and be positive.
For now, all I want is to sink into my own abyss. To remain checked out and aloof. I know it won’t always suck.
The one thing I trust in will always be my bounce-back game. But for right now, even if right now is two weeks, l’m saying fuck it all. If it all crashes and burns, then it crashes and burns.
It’ll all work out in the end.
Till next time….
Cira
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